When you think of Christianity what is the first thing you think of? Do you think of Christ’s love and sacrifice or do you think of fear and retribution for not following God’s commands to a T? Do you think of loving, giving, grace filled people willing to love others unconditionally or do you think of someone with a score card reminding you every time you get it wrong? Do you think of peace filled understanding with welcoming open arms or do you think of judgmental entitlement standing on a soapbox?
What I think now and what I thought many years ago are very different. And I am beyond grateful for that.
I was born in the 70’s in the South. I was raised Southern Baptist. It never occurred to me that my biblical upbringing was not perfectly accurate and just as God had intended. Everything that I remember from a very young age was that the church had the answers. Should women be allowed to wear pants to church? Well thankfully all the male deacons approved culottes. Should kids be allowed to see a movie that was rated PG? Frowned upon to be sure! Rock and Roll? Well that was the Devil’s Music. Burn those records immediately! Boys and girls being separated at summer camp during swim time? Well because...you know.
I remember so many things, every day things that should have been between only parents and their kids. The family unit. But the church infiltrated their opinions and control over so much of it. This all seemed totally normal to me as an adolescent. It was our way of life. Wasn’t it everyone’s?
After living all over this country I have experienced how many other Christians practice their faith. It was not only eye-opening but life-changing. It has taken me the last 20 years to dismantle the way I used to think and to develop a real and authentic relationship with God. How I live out my faith and practice it now is how I believe God intended for me.
I remember a conversation I had with my Daddy years ago. He was a Godly man and I loved and trusted his guidance. I wanted to talk to him about about drinking alcohol. It had always been strictly forbidden within the Baptist faith. It had been determined a sin. Those that did it hid it. For shame! Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that alcohol can be a very dangerous and destructive addiction for some. It certainly is not good for a lot of people. But so can many other things. I just use this particular subject as an example.
What I found interesting was that most of the other Christian faiths in all of the places I had lived never said you couldn’t have a cold beer after work or a glass of wine with dinner. Not in the Midwest or the Southwest, not on the Northeastern coast or the Western coast had any bible-preaching church I’d attended ever indicated this as their belief. They of course taught the commands that are clearly stated: “Don’t be of MUCH wine,” “Don’t be a drunkard,” “Don’t have any idols before me.” Not one of them disputed that Jesus had turned the water into actual wine instead of “grape juice” as I had been taught. So one day I asked Daddy how it was that all these other practicing Christian faiths thought one way, and our denomination seemed to be one of the only to have interpreted God’s word in this manner?
I shall never forget his answer -- “I don’t know Baby, it’s just what I was raised to believe.” It was as simple as that. It was what the church had told him to think.
My Daddy was a good Christian man. He loved God and was very dedicated to Him up until his last breath. But he never hid the fact that he had made mistakes in life. Even though he had repented for these mistakes he still felt fear at facing God one day. He mentioned it many times. Had he forgotten the book of Jeremiah where it clearly says that once asked, God forgives your sins and remembers them no more? Or was God’s forgiveness and grace not emphasized over his years in the church? Either way it made me realize how much my fear of God instead of my love for God had directed my life and even my emotional health.
This answer along with a ton of therapy really started me thinking on my own. And because of that I can now see how controlling, constrictive, and fear-based my personal experience with the church was.
It became clear that I had been programmed from a very young age to fear our creator. Retribution, Hell, Consequences, Death...these were things that tormented my young brain. They were at the forefront of the teachings I had ingested. I’ll never forget the Halloween that our church held a “Fall Festival” in lieu of the Devil’s holiday. They had two houses for us to go into. One was all white with cotton clouds, bright lights, and Angels singing. The other was Hell as it had been explained to me. There was fire on the walls, people screaming and gnashing their teeth while simulating burning for eternity. There was someone saying “Is this where you want to end up?” in a horrible forceful voice. I think I was 9 maybe 10 years old. No Vampire, Witch, or Werewolf anywhere could have scared me more than that.
Another memory that haunted me for years was the time our church showed the junior high youth group a movie about the Tribulation. I remember it followed the story of a young woman who had been left behind after Christ’s return. She became a believer shortly after. When it came time to accept the sign of the devil she refused. The punishment for this was to be beheaded. She fearfully accepted this and walked slowly to the guillotine. But while lying under a dark stormy sky staring at a thick sharp blade that gleamed from a random ray of light she changed her mind. She screams “I’ll take the sign, I’ll take the sign” signaling the guards to withdraw. At that moment there was an earthquake and the guillotine fell loose and took her head anyway. It is assumed that she went to Hell. I’m almost 44 years old and can still remember the overwhelming, breath-taking fear watching this caused me. Is this how God wanted me to become a believer? To be manipulated by fear?
The truth is that I don’t believe my church or those practicing this way are trying to hurt anyone. I think they have been taught from those before them who were taught by those before them that this is the best way to make sure people become believers. Scare them into Heaven.
It’s not that I don’t have really wonderful memories from my life in the church as a child. I do. There were many experiences that I truly value to this day. But looking back on my childhood and early teen years I just remember always being afraid of God. I remember feeling like He was always watching, but it never felt like He was watching protectively or lovingly. It felt like He was watching like a warden, waiting for me to mess up so He could send down that bolt of lightning. My growing anxiety and inability to live perfectly eventually led me to rebel. I was 14 when I started to smoke pot. I had a severe anxiety disorder even though I didn’t know it, and the marijuana was my way to self-medicate.
It wasn’t until I turned 20 and stopped smoking that my anxiety kicked back in, this time with hurricane force and panic symptoms to boot. I still had no clue what was going on. I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was dying. So I started going to church again. I was hoping for some help and solace from God but my anxiety spawned so much guilt and fear for my sins of the past that I was unable to trust in His forgiveness. So I reverted back to what I remembered. I did everything I could to please Him. I tried to earn His Grace. I was in church every time the doors were open. I read the entire Bible from front to back. I prayed and sang and swayed. I cried out to Him with my hands up and professed my love. I passed out tracts to everyone I encountered. I put Christian bumper stickers on my car and wore t-shirts with Biblical quotes on them. I was desperately trying to prove to Him I had changed and that I was worthy. But I lived in constant fear. There was no peace to be found.
“Why?” you ask. Because the reality was that none of my actions were truly for Him. None of it was based on Love. I was doing it to save myself. I was doing it because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. And THAT, people, ain’t love. THAT is self-preservation. Why would God want that kind of selfish commitment? I cannot believe that service and dedication out of obligation and fear can be what God wants from his believers.
The sad truth is that in many ways the Christian faith has been distorted, bastardized, and falsified. Free will has been removed. Rules are enforced with human-dealt consequences. People have been policed to the point that many of them live like robots not even realizing they are living that way. We have judged them and condemned them when that is the LAST job God ever assigned to us. We don’t even know who some of them truly are because we have boxed them into a human created ideal that they spend their lives pretending to achieve. No wonder why we have so much hypocrisy in the church. So many places have set their own standards for people above God’s. And even though most of us can’t live up to them we learn how to pretend to please the church.
The result? We are missing out on so much of what God intended for us and our lives. And worse, thousands are deciding that this way can’t be right, and ultimately turn away completely. I know many people who have chosen this path. I’ve spent time talking with them in depth. Those who used to be youth pastors or Sunday school teachers. Those who would have been known as “Jesus Freaks” when we were kids. Their faith is gone and I understand how they got to to this place. The damage has been done...and it wasn’t rock music, rated R movies, or the Devil that caused it.
Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating for some free for all Christianity where God doesn’t have expectations and requirements of us. Just like our own parents had, there are plenty. But like any parent who makes rules for their child they are intended for the good. They come from a place of love. People, whether they are religious or not, follow many Biblical dictates innately because they are founded on basic humanity.
The problem as I see it are the rules and dictates that we won’t find in the Bible. The ones that some churches have made up. The ones we have been convinced are there. Those that allow them to elevate their own self-importance and control people, those that remove freewill and shame believers repeatedly, those that allow money and power to be used in self-serving ways, and those that have believers serving out of fear all in the name of God’s will. The churches who have done this have driven thousands upon thousands of people away from their faith. The overall effect has dealt the Christian religion a powerful blow.
I have been asked many times over the years how I ended up with my faith in God intact. There are so many ways to answer. There are unexplainable experiences that have filled me with His presence. There are years of studying His word, along with the guidance from Pastors whose direction I believe to be the faithful way God intended. I just feel Him with me. My faith has transformed me.
Paul says in Romans that as a Christian I am to have a renewed mind and a transformed life and the central focus is to be love. As a Christian my job is to love first and foremost. Above all things I am to LOVE -- Love Jesus, love my neighbor and love my enemy. By loving, I will show a nature that is compassionate, giving, empathetic, forgiving, accepting, non-judgmental...All qualities of Christ. My understanding within my true Christian faith is that I am to spend my life attempting to be as Christlike as possible. The clearest demonstration of a Christlike life is a Christlike love.
Jesus is love. Everything he has ever done has been based from love.
Do I still make mistakes that I know are not God’s will for me? Of course, every day! Do I still believe I must go to him and ask for forgiveness and direction? Absolutely! But I am no longer afraid of Him. I am in awe of His grace and power. My reverence for Him is sincere. My choice to serve Him is rooted in so many authentic reasons. It’s based on his unconditional acceptance of me, for all he has allowed me to doubt, fail at, learn, and accomplish. And most of all it’s based on His patience while I figured it out!
I believe I have finally begun to see Him the way I am supposed to - the way I saw my own Daddy - as Abba Father, my protector and giver of life. The one who wants what is best for me. The one who wants to see me fulfilled and full of joy. The one who provides all I need. The one who corrects me when I am wrong and lovingly guides and directs me. Will there be hard times? I’m counting on it. Will I struggle with doubts and questions? Yep. Will I ever get it exactly right? Not a chance. But I no longer try to hide or feel guilt over not following some protocol that wasn’t set for me by my God.
Going forward I’m going to live by faith, not fear. I’m going to wake up every day God gives me and strive to do better than the day I did before. I’m going to be ready to love, listen and provide what I can to help those who need it. I will pray for my loved ones as well as strangers and I will do my very best to turn from judgements of others and show welcoming acceptance to all.
I will also recognize and be okay with my imperfect nature. I will acknowledge within myself that I will never be perfect in my faith and that God already knows that. I will always seek growth and learning. I will shelter in my heart the knowledge that God does not expect me to live a life stressfully trying to prove myself worthy. I will rest in the deep trust of his love and guidance. I will allow his support and acceptance of me to resonate. I will foster the knowledge that He sees my constant efforts, my love, and my belief in his Son. I will never forget that He knows my heart to the fullest. My truth.
Any finally, I will raise my daughter to know God the way I now know Him. I will let her love originate from His saving grace and glory, and not from fear.
I am taking my Christianity back and I’m not letting it go again. I hope it will inspire others who have walked in my shoes to do the same.
As always,
Thank you for reading.