Most people who know me know that I am not a person to wallow in sorrow or complain much. I have never seen the value in dwelling on what I cannot change. And if I’m honest with myself I’m often uncomfortable with the emotions attached to the dwelling. But this last year, the worst year of my life, has made my ritualistic process of dealing with the inescapable very difficult.
My writing mission has always been about using my own life experiences to try and inspire or spread hope in others. So I had to find a way to use this last year in the same capacity and to find that ever existing silver lining.
So here’s what I now know...
Losing a parent sucks. The day my Dad died was a mixture of pure devastation and also a sense of relief. He’d been declining for months and always felt like crap. He was falling all the time and began to no longer take pleasure in some of his favorite things. We all knew he felt like a burden. Watching this giant, strong, capable, retired police officer that everyone knew as “Big Jack” need help with everything was heart-wrenching. But the feelings of relief were fleeting. I miss him. My Dad dying was an eventuality that I thought about many, many times over the years. I actually thought I was somewhat ahead of the game with emotional preparation. What I now understand is there is no amount of preparation that can ease the aching loss of a parent. The person who without their existence yours would be void. This sadness is something you cannot explain or prepare anyone for. You understand it only the moment that it happens to you. And I now live with a new companion - Mr. Heavy Chest. It’s a distinct weight that I will forever carry. Those who have known this weight longer than me have assured me that after time it will seem lighter. But that’s the illusion. It will “seem” lighter because after time you forget what it was like to live without it. It’s a chronic pain that becomes your new normal. It is what it is.
Building true friendships can happen no matter how old you are. At this later point in my life I am often awe-struck at the unexpected friendships I have developed. I knew that I would meet people along the way that I enjoyed spending time with, but the incredible humans who have come in to my life in the last few years have truly been a blessing and a surprise. I kinda knew they were special but their grace, thoughtfulness, generosity, and genuine kindness have been revealed so clearly this last year. They have shown up for me in more ways than I can possibly count. I find qualities in each of them that I want to emulate - qualities that inspire me to be a better person. They are an incredible addition to the amazing friendships I have had for decades. I am grateful for them all! This year especially, my fortune has truly resonated.
Just because you share blood or a last name doesn’t make someone your family. This was shown to me in several arenas unfortunately. Many people feel there is a familial obligation that is non-negotiable and will allow harmful and damaging behaviors to taint all things around them. They live this way as if they have no choice. I have been guilty of this in my life. But not anymore. I’m almost 43 years old and what I have learned is that the people you surround yourself with should be loyal, honest, supportive and they should stick up for you. They should want to protect you like you want to protect them. And if not then there should be consequences not blind acceptance. It’s okay to love yourself more in this scenario. It’s okay to say “No! I deserve better!” And it’s absolutely essential to protect your children from growing up in abusive and unhealthy relationships no matter who it is.
It’s okay to ask for help. This year I’ve learned a new level of humility. I have often found myself in the position to help others. This year I have needed help and I struggled to ask for it. People have often described me as being strong and supportive. I didn’t realize that I had taken a level of pride in that. I was surprised how hard it was for me to admit that this year I needed strength and support from others. I didn’t realize that they truly wanted to give it. I incorrectly assumed it weakened my character if I found myself in need. But what I now know is that part of being strong means knowing when it’s okay to be weak. And asking for help takes strength and accepting it makes you stronger.
Finally, God isn’t going away. Without my love and trust in him I would not have made it this far. He has been with me for as long as I can remember. I have felt him in my darkest moments and in my highest highs. I have turned from him so many times in my life and he stays. I have doubted and questioned so many things but there he is. He continues to reassure me and strengthen my faith. He shows me his presence in small and big ways each and every day. He guides me and comforts me and never gives up. His tireless companionship is all I need. Knowing that makes all the difference in this life that can so often feel overwhelming and impossible.
I know this next year will bring more needed enlightenment and lessons. There will be new mistakes and old ones. I am prepared for challenges and failures. There will be painful times and dark moments. But as I learned this year, the worst year of my life, that as long as there is breath in my body there will also be times of great joy, there will be successful accomplishments, acceptance, kindness, love, a conquering spirit and laughter. Always laughter! My only resolutions will continue to be - to grow and evolve, to try and become a better version of myself, to show love and compassion, to listen, to learn from others, and to relish in all that I am given from above.
I hope and pray for all of my readers and supporters great wonder, inspiration, and happiness for this next year and beyond!
As Always, thank you for reading and Happy New Year!