Remember that scene from "Back to the Future" when Biff is sexually assaulting Lorraine at the dance? How about in "Revenge of The Nerds" when Lewis performs oral sex on Betty while she is under the impression it's Ted, her boyfriend? Betty is then so overcome with his performance that she dumps Ted and runs off with Lewis. In "St. Elmo's Fire" Billy gropes and fondles an unwilling Jules in her Jeep and yet it's brushed off as if to say "That's just Billy being drunk and stupid.”
"Grease", "Tootsie", "Sixteen Candles", "The Goonies", “9 to 5”- some of our all time favorite movies all making light of sexual harassment or assault against women. Sadly the list goes on and on. And more sadly, nothing has changed at all.
It’s 2018 and though there are more laws, procedures, and protection for women against sexual assault and harassment we really haven’t come that far. Though the majority of men may have never or would never participate in these vile behaviors many of them still feel a “certain way” regarding women.
Why are we still struggling to receive the respect and value that we deserve? Because women for centuries have been conditioned to accept these behaviors as “just the way it is.” And since the beginning of time men have been conditioned to think we are the lesser sex. We are undeserving of equality which in turn entitles some men to this behavior. Furthermore many of them don’t recognize it as a serious enough offense unless it’s actually rape. This is a fallacy that allows them to sleep at night.
How many of us women have men in our lives who have made unwanted advancements, touched us inappropriately, or made sexual comments that make us uncomfortable? A friend's husband? Your husband's boss? A stranger in a bar? I can claim all three of these examples more than once and have never said a word. Why?
Well, we don't want to upset our friend and possibly damage the friendship. What if she doesn't believe us? Better for everyone to just let it slide.
The Boss...well we certainly can't risk our husband getting fired if we turn around and shove his boss when he grabs our ass at the work Christmas Party. Better to just ignore it.
And a stranger in a bar is the most terrifying as they might do something unpredictable and physically harmful. Can't risk that. Better to just stay silent.
But who is this actually better for?
We have become silent sufferers of behaviors and assaults that make our skin crawl and suck our dignity away like a vacuum. And all the while these types of men are emboldened. And every time we say nothing another woman will endure the same.
More alarmingly, many of the men who I personally have tolerated this behavior from are members of the same party who shows such disdain for our current administration’s lack of respect and support for women. It has often left me dumbfounded. They don't seem to see their own actions or participation as being the same. They appear to be lacking any personal culpability at all. How can this be?
Since the nature of this behavior towards women has been ingrained in the male culture from generations long ago, it appears to go unnoticed by them. What’s been sold? Women are for men's pleasure. That's our first and foremost value. Sure we have other attributes but at the end of the day sex is the best thing we offer. The good ole Caveman Concept. Just grab us by the hair and drag us to your cave. We are yours for the taking.
When I wrote my five part series “They Called Me Backseat Becky” this past Spring I thought I was revealing a haunting and shocking part of my adolescence to the world. I expected unwanted pity and sort of a bombshell effect. Instead, I found out how common my story was. It wasn’t anything new or unique at all. Female after female reached out to me and shared their stories with courage. I was the one in shock. There were so many of us. And the most common denominator? We never told.
Countless men ask “Why?” The fact that a woman could go decades keeping a secret like this or go years continuing to endure unwanted harassment seems to leave them completely perplexed and doubtful of our honesty. “How could we not speak out?”
The answer? Embarrassment, shame, denial, fear of not being believed, fear of retaliation, or just the need to try and forget it. We shove it away and keep it buried deep within hoping that years, people, experiences, life, anything will layer on top of it until it is no longer locatable.
This false sense of “recovery” is like an undetectable disease. A quiet infection with symptoms that manifest in often untraceable ways. In turn, whether we realize it or not we often become perfect targets for this unwanted behavior over and over again. Some of us even akin it to being desired and wanted and therefore convince ourselves that it’s okay. This then perpetuates the ongoing “sweeping it under the rug” and the snowball continues down the hill.
Well I for one am done. As a sexual assault survivor who stayed silent for 26 years and the mother to a little girl, I am no longer willing to allow these behaviors to be excused.
We as women must stand together in a unity of NO tolerance. No more laughing off unwanted sexual innuendos or advancements. No more pretending it’s okay so as not to rock the boat. No more keeping it to ourselves and letting it go. We can lead the charge. We have a responsibility to change the future for our daughters and those that will come after them. To be the ones who will not tolerate these demeaning and humiliating actions. To be the ones who will stand up in the crowd and loudly proclaim their truth with no shame or fear of retribution. Let's raise young men who value woman for all they are and not only for what stirs them sexually. Let's raise them to look at women with respect and appreciation. And let’s raise daughters who won’t settle for anything less.
We are the only ones who can truly stop this archaic cycle.
Tomorrow starts today.
As always thank you for reading.