One of the many benefits of therapy for me is that a lot of what I end up writing about comes from my weekly sessions. After I make what I think is just a random statement regarding the topic at hand my therapist will respond with “This is good stuff. You should write about this.” Then the lightbulb flips on and I stop, scroll to the “Forty and Full of It” section on my notes app and jot down what it is I need to remember to think about creating. Last week was another example of this unexpected inspiration.
Those who know me well, know that expressing myself and especially standing up for myself in certain situations has always been vital to me. My outspoken and often over the top need to defend myself and others from threatening behaviors has been both a gift and a curse. Luckily in my early twenties I began therapy for anxiety and other traumas from my past. I have learned that the origin of this intense need stems from the inability to constructively communicate with my parents when I was young, years of being bullied by my peers, and a sexual assault that I was strongly “persuaded” to keep silent about.
Never receiving justice from my assault was a catalyst for many of my future behaviors. And one of those behaviors became thus - to have someone misrepresent me, misjudge me, misunderstand me or take advantage of me became unacceptable. And tolerating it took a mental toll that would often send me into an emotionally verbal tailspin. Once I was there I would see red. I would go right to “that place.” You know, the one you aren’t supposed to ever go to. The rage filled, “how dare you” place where you can’t even hear the words coming out of your mouth because they are erupting with such force and thoughtless declaration. Yeah, that used to be me more times than I care to admit.
Now let me be clear, it’s not like I walked around picking fights or was difficult to be around. These incidents have most often been with the same handful of people. People that take pleasure in conflict and know just how to trigger their prey. The “Bear Pokers.” The ones that don’t let up until you have your little meltdown and then they stand there in feigned shock saying “Wow, can you see yourself right now? What is wrong with you? Look how you’re acting!” Which of course only intensifies the reaction and generously gifts them with exactly what they had been looking for…all the power and a feeling of self-importance.
But, after many years of emotional altercations, hours of back and forth emails, Facebook rebuttals, and text messages with whomever I had allowed to lure me in, I realized how futile it all was. I was tired. This need to defend myself, my character, my opinion…It was all so draining. And most importantly, completely unproductive and wasteful of my valuable time. It was time for deep self-reflection. It was time to understand myself and where my reactions were coming from. It was time to learn a new way. A much quieter one.
This painstakingly learned trick? I focus on the other person’s behavior in that moment. I remind myself of their intentions. Their goal. I focus on the fact that I hold ALL the power to either provide or deny them with the conflict they are seeking. I zen myself and my thoughts. I breathe in and out slowly. I think of ocean waves and warm fragrant breezes. I think of kindness and empathy and sometimes even pity. I watch them from what seems a far a way foreign place. I think about grace.
I realize that no longer bearing the brunt of other people’s unresolved issues is my choice.
Through the repeated practice of this social experiment I began to understand the quiet strength it took to just stay silent. To not react. To refuse the bait. I discovered that what I always considered a weakness I now found empowering. I held the keys. I was in the driver’s seat.
Now, more often than not, when faced with a situation that I can see is escalating or has the potential, I am armed with a tactical ability to deflect. I keep my breathing even. I hold my hands calmly in my lap. My mind may still be racing with a million retorts. So many things I want to hurl out of my mouth. But neither my physical appearance nor my emotional reactions change. I am the pilot, the captain and director of the situation.
The reality is that 95% of the time we are faced with individuals who are looking to clash in some manner, they themselves either do not have the self-awareness or the therapeutic tools necessary to change their behavior. So it is left to us. We must change our responses to their unaddressed issues. 20 years in therapy has taught me that those of us in therapy are often in there to learn how to deal with people who won’t go to therapy.
Some may think a book or a podcast here and there is the answer to their personal growth but the reality is that it won’t help them long term any more than reading books about working out will give them a six-pack. We have to actually use the tools in the real world. We have to do the work to see real results.
And doing the “work” is work. Which is why many avoid it.
My truth where this practice is concerned…I won’t always succeed. I’m not Gandhi or Buddha. I’m still me. I’m flawed and imperfect. I’m often a hot-tempered Southern Girl who isn’t afraid to be bold and speak her mind even at the wrong time. But if I’m getting it right more than I’m not then I’m better than I was. There is much to find value in. I’m grateful for self-awareness. I’m grateful for the deep desire to evolve from behavior that I can confirm was not my best attempt at being awesome. I’m grateful to be accessing all the powerful tools that therapy has given me. I fully expect to fail from time to time but I won’t be ashamed of that. If I neglect the changes that I need to make, if I ever forget that I am a student of life and not the teacher, then shame should be my shadow.
Life is one lesson after another. And the lessons never stop coming. Some we breeze through and some take a true desire and commitment to learn. For me, one of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned is to take back my power and my ability to control what I can. I remember the words of the great Emily Dickinson,“Saying nothing sometimes says the most.” My behavior and my reactions are 100% mine to control.
At the end of the day the personal gain, the goal, is that no one will have the ability to define me but me.
So may I recommend a communal “Shhhhhhh” in response to the Lords of Conflict? Let’s try to be silent when we want to be the opposite. Let’s try to be calm when the storm wants to rage. I wonder how different our world would be if our egos and our need to be heard took a backseat to our desire to project peace and quiet?
As aways, thank you for reading.
- Forty and Full of It