Look For The Love
I began writing this a year ago. Right as I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say I couldn’t find the words to finish. My husband and I were approaching our ten year wedding anniversary and I felt like I had learned so much but was still clueless. The articulation that this topic deserved wouldn’t progress. So I deposited it in my little file folder on my desktop and there it has been sitting. Until now...
This April Twenty-first Ryan and I will have been married for eleven years. It’s hard to imagine that much time has come and gone so quickly. Some moments seem like they were just a few weeks ago while others seem like a lifetime ago as I try and remember them. Ryan and I had quite the love story those first few years. I often miss those days but sometimes I relish exactly where we are now. Life for the thirteen years we have been together has been pretty incredible. We’ve been gifted with times of sheer bliss and also have been dealt some Rocky Balboa blows. But through all of this I often still find myself yearning for more from my relationship. And so this story emerged.
Hello, My name is Rebecca and I am a “Honeymoon Stage” Addict.
Kinda embarrassing to admit. I have girlfriends who could care less about romance and all that it entails. But I also have many friends who feel exactly like I do. This is for them.
Like many women, I still desire compliments, flowers, romantic gestures and moments that allow you to feel frozen in time. All that crap. If I had to guess where these romantic fascinations evolved from I would admit there are a few contributors. When I was young I spent hours watching soap operas with both my grandmothers and older sisters. The angst, desperation, love and heartbreak became something tangible for me as teen. There is also the fact that I became an actress. I have spent countless hours watching or participating in movies and TV shows that sedate us with a false reality of what love and relationships are really like. And (under my breath) I also had a stint with romance novels. I was voracious in my reading of them for many years.
But setting these things aside, I have always been a person who feels deeply. It has at times been to my own detriment. On occasion I allow my emotions to get the best of me; something I know my husband would wipe away like the plague if he could. I know it burdens him that I still want the white knight romance from time to time, and if I’m honest, it burdens me too. To Ry, it probably feels like another job or obligation that is time consuming and annoying. To me it feels like water for my wilting emotional leaves.
In the beginning Ryan really excelled in the romance novel courtship. I think a lot of men think it’s what’s expected of them at first, but not so necessary after they’ve gotten the girl. This can be quite frustrating for some of us ladies. It has certainly been an on-going issue with Ry and me. I refer to it as the “Bait and Switch”. He rolls his eyes. It’s not that he doesn’t kinda try and I know that he loves me but it often feels like he just doesn’t get it or just doesn’t care. I hear this so often from other woman. They feel like ornaments on the Christmas Tree of life.
There are many times I have allowed this to trouble me to a state of deep sadness. All that Ryan does and provides gets mentally stored on a shelf and I’m still here...wanting more. Something had to give. I knew that ultimately I was responsible for my own happiness. So after years of allowing myself to be absorbed by this fanciful notion, I decided to do some serious soul searching. It was time to peel back the layers of my relationship and to confront my own accountability, lack of perspective, and honestly...appreciation of my husband.
The mission to turn the tables on my mind’s counter-productive evaluation of how my husband loved me had begun. I started to deconstruct our years together and look behind the scenes at those glaringly obvious anecdotes of love that movies and books sell us on. The secret love messages that I had been overlooking for so long began to rise to the surface more quickly than I could ignore. The proof was in the invisible pudding.
As an aspiring actress, for many years I had a job that payed the bills while I was waiting to hook the big gig. Having a full-time job while trying to take class and audition was of course challenging. Shortly after Ryan and I moved into our first apartment I was offered a coveted advertising sales position at the much loved Village Voice in New York City. I was good in sales and it was the biggest job I had been offered to date. Before I accepted, Ryan came to me and asked me if I wanted to take the job or if I wanted to focus on acting. He said he would take care of us while I pursued my lifelong dream. In a way I was torn. We hadn’t been together for that long and I didn’t want to feel like a deadbeat, but on the other hand this was an opportunity I had never been afforded. I took his generous offer back in 2005 and he has yet to waiver in his complete support of this more costly than lucrative dream of mine.
Let’s move on to the first week of February every year. This is always a very busy week for us. Not only is it my Birthday as well as Super Bowl but it’s Legal Tech here in New York. Ryan has been attending the 4 days of Legal Tech every year since before we met. He usually has meetings all day and events most evenings. The six years that we lived in Los Angeles were no different. Since Legal Tech always falls on my birthday week we would travel to NYC together. This elated me as I missed my city so much while we were away and there was no place else I wanted to spend my birthday.
Now here’s where the 411 began to reveal itself...
For many of Ryan’s colleagues Legal Tech is a week they get to leave their spouses and kids back home and enjoy the big city. The late night events and later night “pub crawling” is a happy respite from their daily lives. Of course I get that all couples need a break to do their own thing from time to time but over the years I have seen many of these “family men” indulge in much more than just a few days away from home.
One might wonder why have I seen this. The most direct answer? Because my husband always seems to want me around. I have always been invited to meet him out at these evening events. Even after our daughter was born and we moved back to the City he would recommend a sitter so I could attend. This got me to thinking about all of those colleagues whom I had spent so much time with over the years yet never met their wives. The ones who travel every week from Chicago, Los Angeles or Boston while my husband’s trips were so much fewer and far between. I remember the time I asked him why he didn’t travel as much as they did. He answered simply, “They choose to travel that much.” I mean if you think about it, how would I know the difference if Ryan told me he had to travel all the time for his job? I wouldn’t. My gratitude at having THIS man for a husband began to expand.
My next epiphany, my very large and sometimes overwhelming family. There are many of us all with varying personalities, disagreements and challenges. While my husband may not bombard me with praise and compliments, he has also never told me no when I rush to help or assist a family member in need. He has gone above and beyond for my family and my friends as well. All of them, more times than I could count. If they hurt, I hurt and if I hurt, Ryan wants to make it better. If there is a need, he helps me to help them. He has embraced them as his own family from day one. This is another clear demonstration of the love that I irresponsibly allowed to be overshadowed.
When I think about the six years we struggled to have a child I am stunned at the love and support that Ryan provided me. He must have been filled with his own pain and disappointment but he never allowed me to see anything but unfaltering positivity and genuine care for my well-being. Watching him now with our five year old daughter fills me with realization. Ryan has become a true and valued partner in everything. He brings things to the table that I have taken for granted and often dismissed as not enough. I fear I have been quite foolish.
Finally, if I ever start to doubt these symbolic and often overlooked indications of his love and commitment I can reach into my bedside table. There, I can pull out the words he has carefully penned in all of the Birthday, Anniversary and Valentine’s cards that I have collected. The words that he has such a difficult time saying out loud seem to flow easily from his pen. They are his way to reassure me and leave a lasting imprint of his tenderness and ardor. These are the words of a man who loves his wife.
After relishing all of this evidence I began to feel like a bit of a brat. I have been spoiled with love and devotion for over a decade and didn’t fully comprehend it.
What I have learned through this little investigation is that love isn’t a recipe that must be followed to a T. There are different ingredients and sometimes those ingredients change as quickly as our appetite. Love is messy, and unpredictable. It can be angry and joyful. Love is demanding and prideful, self-sacrificing and life-saving. It’s filled with ups and downs and ins and outs. Sadly, it’s in most of our natures as humans to feel less than fulfilled, to want more than we have or something different entirely. Once we become focused on what we don’t have or think we need we begin to miss out on all that is right in front of us.
In only the last year did I really open my eyes and begin to see my fortune. The cornerstone of Ryan’s love for me is ME! All of the sacrifices, understanding, laughter, giving, dedication, forgiveness, intimacy, patience and tolerance is more than anyone could ask for of a partner.
My NEW reality? Since that first date on July 15, 2005 the love has always been here. I just had to look for it.
As Always Thank You For Reading!!!