Nacho Party
This has been a rough calendar year for me. I know I am not the only one. In many ways, I find myself in the same place as I was this time last year. That’s not always a bad thing...unless you have goals or hopes that continue to elude you. Often the frustrations from this can become emotionally burdensome. Personally, I have always benefited from thinking forward. I tell myself, "This too shall pass and next year this time things will be so much better." That has often been the case. But as I now reflect on the end of the year I find myself struggling for clarity.
The truth is there will always be things out of our control. Always. I think the majority of the human race understands this. These things don't hurt us any less because of this comprehension but there is generally a presumed understanding of our limitations where they are concerned. For me, what is most unwelcome is the knowledge that fear has dictated my reaction to many things that are under my control. Decisions, choices, opportunities - all passed by for one reason or another. The backlash? Sleepless nights and 2 a.m. nacho parties while I watch episodes of Law and Order from 1997. Or countless hours listening to other people's woes to either avoid my own or somehow prove to myself how "good I have it". All the while, what I thought I knew is overshadowed by a mountain of new questions, concerns, and an absence of understanding.
Sometimes this life feels like a video game. You clear a level and feel accomplishment and skill only to be faced with a new level of increasingly more difficult challenges. Some of us give up and throw the controller across the room while others of us become obsessed with conquering. Some are terrified of what might come next. Others just wish they could hit the restart button and begin again. Video game or not, I just want to finish knowing I did all I could to be the best version of myself possible. I know...cheesy like my nachos.
Most people who really know me will tell you I’m not a complainer. I don’t wallow. It’s just not my way. But that doesn’t change the reality of where I am in this moment. I don’t always have it together and there are times that I find myself wiped-out emotionally. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. But I yearn for forgiveness to come to me as easily as I give it. Another thing out of my control. Life has changed for me in the last year. Fundamentally changed. People who I loved have passed away, relationships that I have cherished and tried hard to nurture are either gone completely or at death’s door, and family members have revealed themselves to be wolves in sheep's clothing.
The lack of forgiveness and compassion, the self-righteous indignation, judgments, and thoughtless disregard can be crippling. Sometimes I just want to scream “Forget it, I quit! Why bother?” But instead I just smile, and throw a party. It’s what I do. I never want to disappoint. If I’m being honest, I feel an obligation to maintain the image I know so many people expect from me. Yet another thing at forty I need to learn is not required.
While the rest of the world seems to go on, I at times, bear a weight and heaviness that feels as if I can't get a deep breath. It can feel so terribly lonely. So, back to 2 a.m. and a very young Christopher Noth. I pick up my nacho covered with melted cheddar and sour cream, dip it generously into the bowl of hot salsa and gaze out my window at New York City. I am still awed by the countless apartment buildings that surround me like a fortress. Hundreds of windows are softly lit from the flickering glow of late-night television. Then an almost comforting realization sets in. There are thousands of us and we are all alone...together.
I got this!
As always, Thank You for reading.