Here is the second installment of my story about my anxiety disorder. Check out Part I on my Facebook page Forty and Full of It!
Call Me Crazy - Part ll
I decided to see a therapist. I knew I needed to be professionally diagnosed and I was anxious, no pun intended, to discover what resources for managing the monster were available to me. There was an issue though...I was afraid of medications. One of the symptoms of my particular anxiety was an ample fear of the side effects from what should have been a counteragent. It was my own personal struggle. I was afraid to use the medications that would help me no longer be afraid. What a double edged sword. As my therapist listed all the different kinds of meds, how they all worked, their possible unappealing reactions, I became more certain that I wanted to find a way to tackle this naturally.
I begin attending a panic attack support group. It was more of a class than anything else. Aside from meeting other people like me, we got to talk about what we were dealing with and listen to other people’s experiences. There were so many who had far worse symptoms than I did. I hate to admit it but it was comforting in a way. The most amazing thing I obtained from the group was “Panic Attack Management by Numbers". I learned how to control how acute the attacks became by numbering the level of intensity 1-10. If I could catch it at 1-6 it was likely with focus, breathing techniques, and relaxation exercises I was able to prevent it from gaining in severity. There were of course times that panic would strike so quickly and out of nowhere. On those occasions I would have to hunker down and wait them out. But over time through fervent focus I became hyper-aware of the onset of these troublesome episodes. I gained a confidence in myself and my capacity to over-power my own anxiety.
Learning to be more in control over the attacks was a start. I also went to a Bio-Feedback study. Bio-Feedback is basically an exercise class for your brain. I went once a week and met with a specialist. The gentleman that was to be my helpful defender was about 75. I remember each week walking behind him down the hallway and thinking we would never make it to the room. He walked with precise, committed slowness. I assumed he was just old and had a bad back. I was wrong. He then would hook me up to all kinds of monitors that recorded the goings on with my heart, breathing, and brain. There were dings and signals coming from numerous machines. He would look at them, then at me and languidly lower his head to write something down. It was all quite fascinating.
What was all this going to accomplish? The goal was to get me to just slow down; slow everything down. I learned to walk more slowly, breathe more slowly, speak more slowly...and even drive more slowly. A great many people with anxiety disorders are also impaired with hyper-activity. This can easily agitate the disquiet that is ever present. By making deliberate and conscious choices through-out my day to just slow down, I began to see a gradual but positive effect. My anxiety was more tempered. And the panic attacks became further and further apart over the years. Even though this was not a cure and though I was often still engulfed with uneasiness, it was another step in a direction that gave me the upper hand.
Through the years my anxiety hasn’t really changed, how I live with it has. The best advice I was ever given when those unsettling thoughts and fears rear their head is to picture them in a bubble. The bubble floats by, you acknowledge it’s there, and you watch it continue to drift away. That simple visualization has sustained me and never faltered to bolster my confidence in my own ability to overcome. It truly is mind over matter. I made a choice many years ago. I can and will control my anxiety not the other way around.
Are there days that I am sitting in the middle of a party or at a restaurant smiling and laughing while no one knows I feel like I’m coming out of my skin? Yep. Are there still some weeks at a time where I am filled with dread and alarm? You know it. But I always get through it. I focus on the times I don’t feel that way; knowing I will soon arrive back at my preferred destination. I meditate on bright healing light shrouding every inch of my body. I pray. I go to dance classes. Distracting myself from this relentless villain who seems filled with determination provides me a solid weapon of perseverance. Finally, I remind myself daily what I have accomplished with the guided assistance from God and some pretty awesome medical talent. I surround myself with people who care for me and support me, people who don’t try to understand my dilemma but love me through it.
In closing I want to say this. There are so many thousands of people out there who struggle the way I have. There is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s an illness like many uncontrollable illnesses. It’s not a badge of shame. In fact for me...I will speak out, I want to earn a badge of courage for my fight against my anxiety disorder. And I want others to know you are not alone!
As always, thank you so much for reading.....God Bless!