When I first starting writing this, on a flight for vacation, I intended it to just be just a Facebook posting. I had no idea that I would be starting a blog. Our plane landed, our vacation began, and my incomplete post was forgotten. The first day back home, my daily devotional was about finding your purpose; using your struggles and challenges to help others. It was then that I remembered my post. I decided to finish writing it. And now, I’m offering it to you.
As this blog is born, it’s apparent my devotional that day was a catalyst leading me to much more than I ever envisioned. And because of that, I thought it fitting that this story be my first topic. It’s not a story one can tell in one single posting so I have divided it up and will post in segments. If you see yourself in any of my story, let’s talk. I hope you enjoy.
And Then There Were 3 - Prologue
Two years ago, we finalized our amazing three-year-old daughter’s adoption. The two years prior Ryan and I were still not sure we would ever become parents. In a million years we could not have imagined where we would be in such a short time. I truly believe every challenge God gives us is for a purpose. As painful and baffling as many of those challenges are, we believe there is a higher power who is leading us exactly where we need to be.
Sadly, we have more friends struggling with infertility and miscarriage than makes sense. Honestly, I’ve begun to be more surprised by those who have babies without issues than those of us who don’t. I have felt compelled for so long to write about our struggles and finally, overwhelming joy. If you are reeling from the pain and anxiety of multiple miscarriages or infertility, I want to give you hope. Never give up. I feel this is a huge part of the purpose of what we went through.
Our Journey Part One: When can we try again?
Ryan and I have been married for almost nine years. We met in New York City in the spring of 2005. I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. (If you’re at least 35 you probably can sing that last line) We fell hard and fast and had all the dreams and expectations most couples do. Ryan is a litigation consultant and I am a life-long actress...clearly that will never change as someone has to pay the bills around here. We tied the knot in Florida on April 21, 2007. Two days later we left for Europe for a two week honeymoon. We had been home for only a few weeks when the Universe gave us a belated wedding gift. There was of course speculation it happened prior to the wedding (mostly by my delightful new mother-in-law) but timing proved otherwise.
My lady friend was always right on time. She could be counted on for that. Also for cramps so bad it felt like someone was sawing you in half. She really wasn’t that great of a friend come to think of it. One day after her expected arrival, I was peeing on a stick within seconds of arriving home from Walgreens. The first test result was one really dark line and a very faint second line. I assumed it meant the test was negative. But I then began to read all the fine print. I noticed a section that noted “any indication of a second line should be considered as a positive result.” I was immediately on the phone with the “Do you have questions?’ line. Once they confirmed the information I gave the second stick a go. Two bright blue lines!
Grabbing my phone immediately, I text Ryan: “Please come home.” His response: “Is everything okay?” Me: “Yes” Ryan: “Am I in trouble?” “Geez, how to answer that one?” I thought. His reaction when he walked in the front door and I handed him the stick is still so vivid. In that moment, I had never felt more special or important. Truly essential. His younger brother and wife were five months pregnant and I felt like all was right in the world!
After about seven weeks we went in for our first appointment with the OBGYN. It was so strange because they would not allow Ryan to come in the room with me. I was nervous and anxious and needed support. I found it so bizarre but it was my first time at the rodeo so I went with it. About a minute after the technician began the ultra-sound I could feel her energy like I could feel a wool sweater in the middle of July: thick and heavy. I looked right at her and asked “What’s wrong?” She said she was going to get the doctor and excused herself. After being left to my own emotional devices for about ten minutes, I opened the door, walked out into the hallway. In my gown and bare feet I asked the first person I saw “If I’m going to be left clueless, terrified, and alone might I at least have my husband with me?”
Ryan was escorted back and after a few more moments I was put on the phone with my doctor. She wasn’t even there. Apparently she had been sent my ultra-sound via the computer. She informed me over the phone that we had lost the baby. I cried. Ryan comforted me. All though we were both sad and disappointed we had so many friends miscarry their first time. We were aware of the statistics. Because we weren’t completely blind-sided we remained optimistic for the future. I remember thinking “Okay, so we got that out of the way. Lots of women lose their first pregnancy. It sucks but I’m ready to move forward.” I asked my doctor “How long before we can try again?”
A few months later we left my beloved NYC and moved to Los Angeles. Ryan wanted to be closer to his family in Phoenix. I wanted to give the TV/Film industry a go. So on a seven day cross country RV trip with our two cats Max & Simon we headed west. I had a fun idea that we would stop in each state along the way, with our portable home, and “make a memory”. I cannot tell you in which state baby number two was created, but if I had to guess it might have been New Jersey.
Six weeks later; another miscarriage, another disappointment and more tears. I knew it was not unheard of so the positive nature in me decided to trust that my body knew what it was doing. I tried to remain focused on the end result. I had struggled before in my life so I was willing to accept it. We busied ourselves remodeling our new house, playing competitive kickball, making amazing friends and having stellar parties. Life was good.
The following year, the third miscarriage came...and then the fourth. At this point I was considered high risk and was seeing a fertility specialist in Beverly Hills. Each time, as soon as I found out I was pregnant there was a regimen to follow. I was in the office every other day getting blood drawn, taking progesterone to help fortify the pregnancy, and giving myself daily shots in my belly of a blood thinner to prevent clotting. Thirty seconds of an ice pack to numb my skin and in went the needle. For someone who can’t stand needles or giving blood I became a pro. Ryan couldn’t even watch much less assist. At this point the doctors had tested me for everything under the sun and nothing came back positive enough to be contributing to so many loses. We were discouraged to say the least. We just wanted to understand why.
Through it all we continued to focus on an eventual child and pray to God for strength and understanding. It was not always easy to maintain the positive outlook, especially when number five came and went the same way. There was always a heartbeat around six weeks. By week eight or nine it was just gone. It would be an understatement to tell you that shear dread would envelope me around week seven. The good news; my dramatic acting scenes in my classes were definitely improving. I could easily cry on demand.